Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
