I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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