oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I could make wine with my vomit
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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