He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
