I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
