I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
