I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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