I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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