no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
