wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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