omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
