You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
