The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize