hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
