1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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