i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
