Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
