Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
