I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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