i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
