A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
