New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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