Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
