the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together