My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
