Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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