Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
