My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
