if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
