Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
