i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
