**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
