That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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