Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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