Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
