so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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