I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
