I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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