You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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