I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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