i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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