I'm jealous of your bromance
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
