woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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