so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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