she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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