I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
