Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
