I'm drive I can fine osifer
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
