I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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