Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
