hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
