I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
