I am midnight drunk by noon
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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