My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My penis needs a shock collar
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You ate ashes out of my bong
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