i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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