Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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